On this week’s episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig, we rock until we drop when we watch The Monster Squad! Yes folks, we’re kicking off ScOctober (all the good names were taken already, screw you) by talking about our favorite kids movie that was clearly made for adults! We talk about Wolfman’s moon cycle, Gill-Man’s day job, and Dracula’s stench! It’s a joy for all the senses! It’s a movie where kids curse! It’s The Monster Squad!!
So yeah, this a movie in which little kids curse, “Wayne” from The Wonder Years is forced to eat floor candy, and Dracula calls a five-year old girl a bitch. Yup, we re-watched and discussed The Monster Squad for your enjoyment, and obviously had a great time doing it. It’s a dope movie, one that succeeds despite its flaws, is still funny in spite of its less-than-sensitive dialogue, and still feels fresh even after its style has been aped countless times since its release. However, it’s also one that is constantly under threat of being ruined with a remake or an unnecessary sequel. So, as is the custom here at the Un-Titled Blog, I’m going to protect it from a bad sequel by hastily throwing together an idea for my own bad sequel! Here we go folks, it’s time for The Monster Squad Blew It!
Our story picks up in the present day, as the remaining members of the team come back to their home town for Horace’s funeral. The actor unfortunately passed away in real life, so let’s not bother recasting and instead make him the catalyst that brings the team back together. Sean is a a divorced writer, Patrick is a happily married business-type, Eugene and Pheobe are married to each other and are both career military, and Rudy is a townie bartender with an estranged daughter. Since surprisingly few witnesses survived the original monster attack, the story became an urban legend and the gang never really got a ton of credit for saving the world. In fact, Sean sold the story as his first screenplay and that’s actually contributed to no one believing that it actually happened, with the town becoming a tourist destination for years, consistently being visited by fans of The Monster Squad and its schlocky sequels. The simple setup of a funeral for a friend (not the Superman story-line) gets everyone together for a semi-awkward reunion, as the team actually has remained in close contact via phone and social media, but are all clearly hiding things from each other. Also, “Fat Kid” Horace grew up to be a fitness guru and died making love to a bunch of models during a celebration for his saving a bunch of puppies from a fire…what, he deserves it.
The actual story kicks off when unbeknownst to the team, the preacher at the funeral reads a passage from Van Helsing’s diary (which everyone believed to have been destroyed, but Sean had actually kept to use for inspiration for his screenplays, and which the preacher ends up with through some sort of hi-jinx) that re-opens to gates of Limbo! We’re treated to a scene in which the squad awkwardly listens to the “sermon” with confusion in their eyes, wondering where they’ve heard it before and why the weather is getting so crazy. The gates open to release not only Dracula ( who flies out in bat-form), but a horde of scary minions, the squad’s old pal Frankenstein, and Van Helsing himself! The horde overruns the squad, destroy Van Helsing’s diary, and begin to lay siege to the town; which has lost almost all power (including vehicles) due to some kind of mystical EMP.
Now we’ve got the stage set for what is essentially The Monster Squad and Van Helsing versus a small apocalypse, as the team attempts to find a way to flat out destroy Dracula instead of opening the gates again. It’s actually a smaller story than the original, as Eugene and Pheobe call the invasion into their contacts, only to realize that the government won’t be able to come in and take out the threat for hours. Instead of saving the entire world, the squad is trying to save their hometown and everyone in it (all of their families, including Rudy’s estranged daughter and ex-wife), with Sean being the only one without any children, having his now police commissioner father as his only family other than Pheobe.
With no power, limited resources, a ton of people to protect, and two 200 year-olds on their side, The Monster Squad McGuffin and wise-crack their way to victory. The little details can get filled in later, but I like to imagine that Pheobe gets some big moments as an adult, Rudy gets his groove back, and Sean has some strong moments with his dad before pops ultimately sacrifices himself alongside Van Helsing in order to save the day.
Is it perfect? No.
Are there plot holes? For sure.
Do I care? Not at all.
Would I watch it? You’re damned right I would.
After all, I’m in the god-damned club aren’t I?