The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #16: Beetlejuice

beetlejuice-podcast

On this week’s episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig, the boys sit down to watch some early Tim Burton insanity with Beetlejuice! It’s Batman versus The Shadow and The World’s Greatest Female Baseball Player with the fate of Mina Harker at stake! We discuss everything from the weird wardrobe choices (even weird for a Tim Burton flick), to how truly strange the plot is (child bride anyone?). It’s our final movie for ScOctober , so join us as we get quirky…so…friggin’…quirky.

Ok folks, so normally I have some kind of semi-interesting rant to throw at y’all so you can kill a few minutes while you’re on the toilet at work, hoping to god that Mark from management doesn’t realize that you’re daily late-morning poop isn’t your “IBS acting up again”. You don’t want him to know that your bowels are anything but irritable; that the only thing about you that acts up is your desire to miss work; that your willingness to sit on a toilet seat that you know for a fact only gets cleaned once a week outweighs your desire to pursue the career that your parents spent their life’s savings sending you to college to prepare for! So yeah…I write stuff sometimes and maybe you read it, and today I’m going to write some stuff that has even less substance than usual. Basically, I have nothing really to say about Beetlejuice that I didn’t already say in our episode about it, so I’m going to ramble about how I think 1980s Tim Burton spent his creative mornings for a few paragraphs. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then stop reading right now, because that’s literally all you’re about to get. Prepare for a face full of whimsy!

He is awoken from a deep sleep by the sound of his living alarm clock, which is made up of four pink flamingos painted black, squawking into the open ends of eight saxophones. He hops off of his hypnosis swirl shaped bed wearing pajamas cut to resemble the exact outfit that Pee Wee Herman always wears and slides his feet into a pair of slippers shaped like triangles, which he of course wears so that the triangles would appear with the points at right angles from his body. He then exits his S-Shaped bedroom and enters directly into a Rube-Goldberg device that functions to brush his teeth and comb his hair. It features, amongst other things, a plunger, a leaf blower, and multiple chipmunks both live and taxidermized. The machine drops him directly in front of his breakfast table, where he immediately, and despite his freshly brushed teeth, drinks a glass of orange juice and begins to eat his meal of half-toasted bread, coffee that he inhales as a mist, and Goozlefowl eggs. A Goozlefowl egg is just a standard chicken egg that his staff paints oblong dots on and tells him they harvested from the deepest jungles of Madagascar.

Now that he’s all full of food and hopped up on caffeine-air, he begins to walk the halls of his home, which is of course shaped like a dandelion. Whilst walking the home and it’s dandelion-garden (which is shaped like a home), he is followed around by Danny Elfman wearing a “One Man Band” suit. He has him on retainer so as to have someone constantly playing the most whimsical freaking music possible whenever he needs inspiration. He dictates his thoughts on his next project in Chinese to a stenographer riding a unicycle. The stenographer of course speaks Chinese…but is deaf in her left ear.

I’m of course making this all up, so no one sue me for having fun. Seriously though, this is what I picture his process to have been. It’s the same now in my mind, except with way more Johnny Depp, which means way more bracelets and wine.

 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #14: The Monster Squad

monster squad podcast

On this week’s episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig, we rock until we drop when we watch The Monster Squad! Yes folks, we’re kicking off ScOctober (all the good names were taken already, screw you) by talking about our favorite kids movie that was clearly made for adults! We talk about Wolfman’s moon cycle, Gill-Man’s day job, and Dracula’s stench! It’s a joy for all the senses! It’s a movie where kids curse! It’s The Monster Squad!!

So yeah, this a movie in which little kids curse, “Wayne” from The Wonder Years is forced to eat floor candy, and Dracula calls a five-year old girl a bitch. Yup, we re-watched and discussed The Monster Squad for your enjoyment, and obviously had a great time doing it. It’s a dope movie, one that succeeds despite its flaws, is still funny in spite of its less-than-sensitive dialogue, and still feels fresh even after its style has been aped countless times since its release. However, it’s also one that is constantly under threat of being ruined with a remake or an unnecessary sequel. So, as is the custom here at the Un-Titled Blog, I’m going to protect it from a bad sequel by hastily throwing together an idea for my own bad sequel!  Here we go folks, it’s time for The Monster Squad Blew It!

Our story picks up in the present day, as the remaining members of the team come back to their home town for Horace’s funeral. The actor unfortunately passed away in real life, so let’s not bother recasting and instead make him the catalyst that brings the team back together. Sean is a a divorced writer, Patrick is a happily married business-type, Eugene and Pheobe are married to each other and are both career military, and Rudy is a townie bartender with an estranged daughter. Since surprisingly few witnesses survived the original monster attack, the story became an urban legend and the gang never really got a ton of credit for saving the world. In fact, Sean sold the story as his first screenplay and that’s actually contributed to no one believing that it actually happened, with the town becoming a tourist destination for years, consistently being visited by fans of The Monster Squad and its schlocky sequels. The simple setup of a funeral for a friend (not the Superman story-line) gets everyone together for a semi-awkward reunion, as the team actually has remained in close contact via phone and social media, but are all clearly hiding things from each other. Also, “Fat Kid” Horace grew up to be a fitness guru and died making love to a bunch of models during a celebration for his saving a bunch of puppies from a fire…what, he deserves it.

The actual story kicks off when unbeknownst to the team, the preacher at the funeral reads a passage from Van Helsing’s diary (which everyone believed to have been destroyed, but Sean had actually kept to use for inspiration for his screenplays, and which the preacher ends up with through some sort of hi-jinx) that re-opens to gates of Limbo! We’re treated to a scene in which the squad awkwardly listens to the “sermon” with confusion in their eyes, wondering where they’ve heard it before and why the weather is getting so crazy. The gates open to release not only Dracula ( who flies out in bat-form), but a horde of scary minions, the squad’s old pal Frankenstein, and Van Helsing himself! The horde overruns the squad, destroy Van Helsing’s diary, and begin to lay siege to the town; which has lost almost all power (including vehicles) due to some kind of mystical EMP.

Now we’ve got the stage set for what is essentially The Monster Squad and Van Helsing versus a small apocalypse, as the team attempts to find a way to flat out destroy Dracula instead of opening the gates again. It’s actually a smaller story than the original, as Eugene and Pheobe call the invasion into their contacts, only to realize that the government won’t be able to come in and take out the threat for hours. Instead of saving the entire world, the squad is trying to save their hometown and everyone in it (all of their families, including Rudy’s estranged daughter and ex-wife), with Sean being the only one without any children, having his now police commissioner father as his only family other than Pheobe.

With no power, limited resources, a ton of people to protect, and two 200 year-olds on their side, The Monster Squad McGuffin and wise-crack their way to victory. The little details can get filled in later, but I like to imagine that Pheobe gets some big moments as an adult, Rudy gets his groove back,  and  Sean has some strong moments with his dad before pops ultimately sacrifices himself alongside Van Helsing in order to save the day.

Is it perfect? No.

Are there plot holes? For sure.

Do I care? Not at all.

Would I watch it? You’re damned right I would.

After all,  I’m in the god-damned club aren’t I?

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #11: Willow!

nostalgia movie podcast willow

You ever wonder what would happen if Batman and The Leprechaun went on an adventure together? What if Opie Taylor directed the whole thing? We’ll find out on this week’s episode when we watch Willow! We swear it’s totally not Lord Of The Rings! It’s Willow!

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #9: My Cousin Vinny

nostalgia movie podcast my cousin vinny

On this week’s episode, we’re talking about the movie that the friggin’ American Bar Association voted one of the most accurate courtroom films ever! Nope, not 12 Angry Men, it’s just one angry Italian! That’s right, it’s 1992’s My Cousin Vinny! The movie that put Marisa Tomei on the map, gave us Ralph Macchio’s last stand for almost 30 years, and reminded us exactly how funny Joe Pesci really is. Also, Herman Munster! A true classic in both of our households, us two yutes had a great time talking about it, so we hope that you have a great time listening! You can also find us on iTunes, Spotify, and Stitcher!

 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #8: Independence Day

Is Randy Quaid crazy? What’s Harry Connick Jr.’s call sign? What did Zack Morris grow up to be? And most importantly: What the hell is that smell!?  We find out the answers to these questions, settle the “Earth Vs. Earf” debate, and welcome our first ever guest to the show! Hear all this and more…and encounter some technical difficulties as we discuss 1996’s Independence Day!

Joining us in the studio for this episode, which is totally not Ron’s basement, is our long time friend and brother in movie-love James. We’d be lying if we said that we got the microphone working perfectly, but he still is able to throw down some solid insight and take part in all of our normal idiocy! So strap in, get your victory dance ready, and tell my children I love them very much, because it’s time to fly straight into the primary weapon that is INDEPENDENCE DAY!

P.S. We released this episode on July 4th…I feel like that requires no further explanation.

The UN-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #6: The Sandlot

sandlot podcast

On this week’s episode we talk about 1993’s The Sandlot. We get into it about how weird Small’s actually is, decide whether the other kids are good people, and figure out once and for all if Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez is the world’s greatest kid. One thing that we don’t mention is “You’re Killing Me Smalls!”, but we have a blog dropping tomorrow that explains how that happened. So, stay tuned to the blog and keep on reviewing us on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever you can get someone to listen to you about the dumb internet shows you listen to!

The Rant Cast: Spoiler Alert!!!


It’s rant time nerds! This week we angrily shoot-off at the mouth over our mutual hatred for people who spoil movies. We find all about the obscene amount of times that Ron has had his entertainment ruined for him. We learn about “anti-spoilers” and when it’s actually your own fault if you’re having something spoiled for you. We chat about Infinity War, Battlestar, New Girl, and spoil literally everything we talk about! Spoiler Alert folks!

The UN-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #5: Rounders

This week on The UN-Titled Movie Podcast, we shoot the poop about 1998’s Rounders. Starring Matt Damon, Ed Norton, and one of the great ensembles of the late 90s, this is the movie that launched a million college gambling habits. Find out all about Ron’s old internet poker habits, Craig’s hatred of people who wear sunglasses to friendly card games, and decide along with the boys who the biggest piece of crap in the movie is! As always, we can also be found on iTunes (leave some reviews!), Spotify, and everywhere else that podcast are spawned!

The Maiden Voyage: On Kurt Russell…Or The Ballad Of Rudy Russo

kurt russell blogI’ve seen a lot of things in my day; probably more than most. In a somewhat Forrest Gump-ian way, I’ve strolled through big events, met famous people, and had some truly strange interactions. In that entire time, I’ve only lost my s— fanboy-style over two things:

-Meeting Buzz Aldrin. Dude was on the moon and/or took part in one the greatest conspiracies in human history. Either way he is worth freaking out about.

-Meeting the guy from “The Last Dragon”. I’m weird, there’s no other explanation.

I’m saving up my third complete loss of nerd-control for the day I meet Kurt Russell. I don’t really have any idea how that’s going to happen, or even if it’s going to happen. I know one thing is for sure though: I’m going to embarrass myself at least a little. I’m not going to hug him, or cry, or anything like that, but I’m going to say something dumb and at least hold a handshake for too long whilst my wife apologizes for me. I really doubt I’m alone on this.

I don’t know what it is about the guy that has made him into such a legend in the minds of people like us (I’m talking to you, other movie-nerd who’s taking the time to read a grown man gush about another grown man he’s never met), but it’s there. Is it the legends of his name being amongst the last words uttered by Walt Disney? Is it the fact that he’s been mutual arm-candy with one of Hollywood’s most gorgeous ladies for damn-near forty years? Is it the fact that he played on The Portland Mavericks, one of baseball’s most insane franchises ever? I don’t know, dude’s got juice though. That’s all without mentioning the fact that one person played Snake Plissken, R.J. McCready, Cash, Wyatt Earp, Herb Brooks, and JACK FRIGGIN’ BURTON; and that man is Kurt Russell. I can’t say which exact factor makes him such a legend even when his career coincided with those of Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Willis, and countless other big-screen heroes. He just…is. He’s the patron-saint of film geekdom, and we all need to be ok with that.

Now that the gushing is done (I can’t actually promise that, this is a work in progress),  let’s truly examine the divine powers of said Saint Russell. He is a man able to transcend the bounds of the script-page, a man who has been able to create one character and have him exist through multiple films. A character whose journey has been hilarious at times, dark at others, and bittersweet in the end. That character is Rudy Russo, and he has done more for this world than you will ever know.

used cars podcast

We first meet Rudy in 1980’s “Used Cars”, where he uses his wits, luck, and savvy to gain the money needed to bribe the right folks to get him into political office. However, he has a change of heart, not a change of character per se, but a change of heart, and decides to instead save the late Luke Fuch’s car dealership from ruin. He ends up with a new respect for what’s truly right, but also can be seen in the film’s closing moments keeping his shiesty car-salesman edge. He get’s the girl too, but these things never last, and soon he finds himself riding the long haul cross country under the name Jack Burton.

In 1986’s “Big Trouble In Little China”, Rudy finds himself caught up in an ages-old battle between the forces of good and evil. His hair may be a little longer, his arms may be a little bigger, and he’s traded a mobile home for a truck full of pigs, but we are looking at the same man. “Mr.Burton” shows the same bravado and cunning that made him a great salesman, and even dons his old car lot digs when he goes undercover at one point. Navigating through the Chinatown underworld, Jack shakes the pillars of heaven, battles demons, thwarts gangs, saves the day, and proves that it’s all in the reflexes when he plunges a knife into the head of the immortal evil that was David Lo Pan. He even gets the girl, which is rare for a sidekick. Yeah, that’s right, Ole Jack Burton was actually right hand to his buddy Wang Chi, but don’t tell him that. Leaving his lady behind, he rides off into the darkness looking for more adventure, and we last see him about to encounter yet another monster from the depths of the unknown. How does this confrontation go? We may never truly know, but I have  feeling that he didn’t come out unscathed, because he’s one eye down the next time we see him.

big trouble in little china podcast

Six years later, we come across Russo again, working as a boatman known only as “Captain Ron” in the 1992 film of the same name. Eye-patched and long haired, he seems to have grown tired of the open road and settled into a life travelling the Caribbean seas as a Captain-for-hire. He’s got fifty percent  less vision, but one hundred percent of his salesman charm, as he apparently goes from boat to boat playing up whatever made-up qualities the current job requires; a lot like he used to do in his days on Fuch’s lot. He hooks up with Martin Short (it was the nineties, character name or not, Martin Short just played “Martin Short”) and the two take Short’s family on an adventure that has way too much nudity for a family film. He leads for most of the film, but takes a back seat in the end to let Short save the day and prove his worth to his family. Perhaps he learned a lesson from Wang Chi about not hogging all the glory. They run afoul of weather, guerillas, and the actual Pirates of the Caribbean, but they survive and Ron Russo goes on to swindle and save another hapless traveling family. Again, we are left with a bit of a cliffhanger, but this time no eyes are lost offscreen…only his soul. When next we meet Russo, he’s a lost his smile, and gained a reputation as one of the baddest outlaws in the world. The only semblance of his old life that remains is the eyepatch when he takes on the mantle of “Snake Plissken”.

escape from new york blog

We meet the man now known as Snake in the year 1997 (1987 on film) in “Escape From New York”. He always had a taste for adventure, he always had a taste for easy money, but his time on the high seas apparently gave him a taste for actual crime, because now he’s a full-fledged outlaw. Those guerillas must’ve gained traction too, because the entire United States is now in ruin, and Snake is amongst its most ruined. A legendary criminal, who also happens to have Special Forces training (They never say exactly how he was trained, it could’ve been the special forces of Chinese magic), Snake is recruited by the government to infiltrate the prison island of Manhattan and rescue the President. Threatened with  exploding arteries, Snake obliges and saves the day, but on his own terms. He does a pretty good job though, because he gets brought back in “Escape From L.A.” (1996) to…do pretty much the exact same thing. His terms or not, he did something right, because in the year, because no matter what the opening crawl says, he’s clearly the same badass in Soldier (1998).

kurt russell podcast

Yeah, I know, he’s got his eye back in this one, and Todd is supposedly born in 1996, but I know my Russo as well as I know my Russell; same guy. The man walking around calling himself “Todd” in 2035 is Captain Rudy “Snake” Burton, and he’s on the ultimate mission of redemption. He finds himself a man without a planet (I think he messed it up pretty bad during his escape from Los Angeles), and a man without a family. After all these years as a loner who couldn’t be held down by a family, The Vitruvian Russell decides to make one last stand against an entire army of super soldiers and saves himself a whole colony of new friends.

In that flick’s closing moments, he and the newly liberated colonists find a new home, thus completing the decades-long journey of a simple used car salesman who just wanted to find him place in the world. He searched in politics, he searched the open roads, he searched the high seas, he searched the Chinatown underworld, and he searched the post-apocalyptic wastelands, but his place in this world was simply…on another world. Yeah, my facts aren’t all straight, I’m not totally sure that Overboard (1987) wasn’t his last-ditch effort to start a family before departing for the Caribbean, and yes…this is all nonsense, but it proves one important point: Ego in Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 is his final form! He’s an actual god in that one! Full Circle! What? You thought I’d end this seriously? Come on, we all know that Kurt Russell is a damned national treasure, you don’t need me to tell you that.  Isn’t it more fun to imagine that all of his amazing diverse performances were actually different elements of the same man? Do we even have to imagine that? We don’t, because this man has left his heart and soul on the screen for us for the last forty years, and for that we thank him, and devote long ramblings to his awesomeness. Thanks Kurt, from all of us.

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Note: Big Thanks to Gill from RealWeegieMidget for suggesting that we put this blog together. All the garbage that will follow is your fault 🙂