The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #19: The Ref

the ref podcast

On this week’s episode we’re shooting the poop on 1994’s The Ref. Yes folks, we’re kicking off Christmas-Tober: The Return To The Re-Revenge with a Christmas classic that features prime A-Hole Era Denis Leary, 90s Final Form Judy Davis, and Kevin Spacey before we all realized he’s a dumpster person. What a movie!  Ron loves it! Craig…definitely watched it! Also, we’re both half-awake and sick for the entirety of this one, so be on the look out for coughing, Craig kind of falling asleep, and an overall horrible attitude from the both of us! Is this our final downfall? No, screw you for doubting us. Also nuts to each and every one of you who thinks that this isn’t a Christmas movie. 

Look, as you’ll hear during the episode, I’m not a fan of this flick. It seems like something I should like, but it doesn’t really speak to me because it’s too nihilistic and the arc doesn’t make much sense. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not a Christmas flick. I will address this in a more creative form when we do Die Hard, but for now I will just point this out: Most people have dumb views on what makes a “Christmas Movie”.  Every year I run into folks out there in the world who tell me what is and isn’t a Christmas movie, and basically they all seem to think that if there isn’t a talking snowman, a fat chimney sneaker, or a reindeer with a glow-snout; then it’s not Christmas. Well you’re wrong and your breath is probably bad. So what do I think makes a Christmas movie? I will give you a simple answer and an even more simple answer. I will do it in list form to save you the trouble of making sense of my horrid paragraph structure. 

Answer 1: If it takes place on or around Christmas, and Christmas itself has something to do with the plot, it’s a Christmas movie. It’s just that simple.

Answer 2: Whatever the hell you watch on Christmas, if you watch it every Christmas, is your Christmas movie. If whenever you think of it, you think of Christmas, it’s yours. That’s it, that’s all. 

So folks, it’s the holiday season, go out there and watch your favorite flicks, or shows, or whatever. Enjoy them all and know that at least one idiot respects your tradition. Be good to each other. 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #18: Son In Law

son in law podcast

On this week’s episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast, we watched “Thanksgiving Classic” Son In Law, and loved almost every second of Pauly Shore-ian goodness. The movie raises some important questions though that must be answered. Is Crawl actually very annoying? Would we accept him into our lives if he dated one of our daughters? Does The Great Hambino have an incestuous love for his sister? Why isn’t anyone in jail after the debacle that goes on with these characters? We do our best to answer these and many more as things go off the rails as usual.

More importantly than any of those questions if this one: Did we still enjoy flick? Well hell yeah we did! We weezed juice, we buffed the wood, we munched grindage, and we even found time in our busy lives to scope out some baby-fresh nugs and cones. Listen, we’re in our thirties, we have families, we can’t just spend all day scoping out baby-fresh nugs and cones; so when we can finally fit it in our schedules, it’s a real treat. Point is, we enjoyed ourselves the full Pauly Shore experience, and we’re all the better for it. However, there’s one thing that this movie reminded us of that we don’t appreciate: That no one gives a crap about Thanksgiving. There’s a reason that I had to quote “Thanksgiving Classic” earlier, because it’s not the kind of holiday that get’s its own classics. Everyone has things they watch on Christmas and Halloween, but no one really has any movies that they watch every Thanksgiving. We know because we asked around when we were trying to decide on something to do for our Thanksgiving episode, and people could only think of Dutch and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles , but no one watched either one every year as part of any sort of tradition. Hanukkah at least gets a prime Adam Sandler song despite getting the shaft otherwise, and Kwanzaa is still pretty new so we can give it a pass on not having a ton of “classic” film choices attached to it, but Thanksgiving just has a bunch of flicks that most people forget take place on it and a lesser Adam Sandler song. Where am I going with all this? I’m not even sure myself, but I know that Thanksgiving deserves better!

So let’s ignore the fact that T-Day is a holiday based on traditions that probably didn’t happen the way we think they did, and forget for a second that the Pilgrims jacked the natives for their land. This isn’t about the validity of the holiday itself. It’s about the celebration, and let me tell you this: In a vacuum, Thanksgiving kind of craps on the other holidays. Christmas has stressful shopping, and the fear of not getting what you want, or getting someone the wrong thing. It’s also anti-climactic if you get anything other than a pony or car every year. Hanukkah has the same problems. Halloween is only really fun when you’re a kid or when you have little kids (don’t tell me that costume parties are that great, it’s just you drunk like you always are, except now you’re dressed like Sexy Yoda or something). “But Craig, Adam Sandler told me that Hanukkah has eight crazy nights of presents!” Listen, my mother is Jewish, so I’ve celebrated many a Festival of Lights and I can confirm what every little Jewish girl and boy is thinking to themselves as they read this: If you’re not rich, Hanukkah is one, MAYBE two nights of real gifts and six to seven nights of socks and school supplies. There’s nothing wrong with that, but from a present perspective, it’s just spread out Christmas. Anyhow, Thanksgiving.

I’m not going to tell you that I like it better than Christmas, because I dig them both and I love both gifts and stuffing. I probably like Christmas a little bit more but that’s a product of the coverage. Thanksgiving gets some leaves, a bunch of sales that end up ruining retailers abilities to enjoy the day, and a good Friends episode. “Christmas Season” basically starts halfway through Thanksgiving day and lasts until New Years Eve. It has a ton of classic movies, a ton of decorations, and is celebrated for two days by most people. It’s almost unfair, and in my extremely roundabout way, that’s what I’m here to say: Give Thanksgiving a chance!! Maybe I’m swayed by my friend’s monotone, yet very logically developed argument on behalf of turkey day, or maybe I’m just a sucker for the underdog, but let’s give Thanksgiving some more media folks!

I’m going to start with the obvious: Thanksgiving has a ton of family. Family yields characters; characters yield drama and comedy. They say that character should drive plot, well Thanksgiving gatherings give you a ton of characters to drive all over the place with! Next obvious jumping off point is the food.  Why aren’t there more scripts being written about Thanksgiving at Italian restaurants, or family members cooking dueling turkeys? Food and family folks!! Gatherings! It’s all right there! We don’t even have to stray too far from what has already been done. We can do more “road trip to get home for Thanksgiving Dinner” movies like Dutch and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; they work and we’ve all been there. It’s not rocket surgery folks!

Let’s hit the less obvious now and talk about Thanksgiving Eve…the second biggest drinking night of the year! I did a lot of security in a lot of bars in my day, and Thanksgiving was one of two major “Amateur Nights’’ that we dealt with. Nights where people who don’t normally drink got bombed. Nights where kids came back from college looking to show off the drinking skills that they think they’ve developed. People are partying, people are puking, people are fighting, and people are falling in love for at least the evening. There’s so much plot to be mined from this night before the Turkey is sacrificed. It’s also a major “there’s no school tomorrow” day for people who can’t yet drink, and many adventures are had by teenagers who just want to somehow match the adventures their older siblings and friends are having.  Listen, a lot of things can happen of T-Day Eve; I once started a car with a damned shoe whilst stuck on the streets of Greenwich Village! Unlike Christmas, it’s a night of adventure for everyone of adventuring age, not just those of us who don’t have families to spend time with. So much can happen, so why don’t we put more of it on screen!?!?

You guys get the point, I want to see Thanksgiving on screen more, so I will dispense with my habble-babble and let you get on with listening to the show, but first…I leave you with this:

At a surprise Fall programming meeting for NBC, SuperStore star America Ferrera and newly hired  Sunday Night Football correspondent/ former National Football League Punter/All around character Pat Mcafee stumble upon the time machine that we all know is hidden in the bowels of the NBC-Universal lot. Thinking that it’s some sort of flight simulator, they jump in and are sent all the way back to the first Thanksgiving where they accidentally ruin the fabled sit-down dinner between The Pilgrims and The Native Americans when they interfere with the killing of the first Turkey. This is all unbeknownst to them and they return to the present to find that Thanksgiving no longer exists and that the world is an absolutely terrible place without this magical day of food and family. The streets are riddled with angry, emaciated people; no one gathers with family for any reason, and we are ruled by a race of ultra-intelligent Robo-Turkeys. Realizing the mistake they made, the two travel back in time and save Thanksgiving! They hunt the Alpha-Turkey themselves and bring the Pilgrims and the Natives back to the table to achieve peace! For doing so, elders from both sides imbue them with magical powers and they return to the present day ready to spread love and cheer and anti-turkey sentiment year after year for the rest of all time, plus they return to a world where Native Americans weren’t screwed out of their land! Bonus! Yes folks, they’ve become Pilgrim Pat MCafee and Native America Ferrera! They’re basically like double Santa Clauses… Santas Claus…Santa Cly? Anyhow, they’re the holiday mascots Thanksgiving needs to be totally legit! Sure, Native America Ferrera is almost insensitive, but it’s a joke, so please be nice to me.  Their main powers are to teach people about Native American culture, cook turkey, and fly…because flight is dope. They don’t have costumes either, it’s just them in their regular clothes, and they just show up whenever someone’s Thanksgiving is in danger. If you’re wondering why they don’t teach kids about Pilgrim culture, it’s because I don’t really know what that is and I’m too lazy to Wikipedia it. So yeah…I’m going to quit while I’m behind. Go listen to the show and pretend I wrote something intelligent about cultural relations and our need for a new big budget Jim Thorpe movie, because that dude was awesome. So yeah, stick to the Jim Thorpe thing and enjoy Son In Law!

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #17: Necessary Roughness

necessary roughness podcast

On this weeks episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast, we get to revisit one of our all-time favorite movies that no one has ever heard of, but the two of us can quote all day long, Necessary Roughness. . It’s Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap, Jason Bateman from Arrested Development, The Ozarks, and The Hogan Family, and Sinbad from…being Sinbad; all throwing on the pads and hitting the gridiron for some early 90s college football hijinks. It’s as dumb as it sounds, but somehow still manages to be one of our favorite sports movies, so check it out with us!

So as I said above, Necessary Roughness stars Scott Bakula, a personal favorite of ours for his work as Dr. Samuel Beckett on the amazing sci-fi/drama classic that was Quantum Leap. For the few of you who don’t know, Quantum Leap centered around Dr. Beckett’s traveling through time via “Leaping” in and out of other people’s bodies. The purpose of his travels (his leaps) was to right some sort of wrong that the person he took over could directly affect. He’d save people’s lives in Vietnam; he’d take over an African America chauffeur and make strides in the Civil Rights Movement; he’s leap into a woman and strike back against chauvinism. It was a great show, and it sometimes made it hard to believe Bakula in any other role. Not because his acting was poor, because I wasn’t (dude has talent), it was that my brain always just kind of assumed that whatever character he was playing was just Dr. Sam Beckett leaping into someone else. Is this crazy? Maybe, but it doesn’t mean that I’m wrong. So let’s live in a world where the scene when he usually goes “Oh Boy” whilst looking in the mirror (it happened on literally every episode of the show) was edited out, and Paul Blake was just another leap. Let’s live in a world where as soon as the end credits begin to roll, Beckett leaps out of Blake and moves onto his next adventure. In that world, we ask this question: Who was Sam sent to help?

(From this moment forth, let’s assume that you understand how Quantum Leap works, and that you’ve seen Necessary Roughness. That way I can stop explaining everything so much. Okay? Cool.)

The Texas State Fighting Armadillos are a damned mess, so there’s no shortage of people on and around the squad who could’ve needed Sam’s help. Let’s not forget that sometimes Sam leaped in order to help someone he barely interacted with. He was able to influence events from both up close and from afar; this makes the possibilities here nearly endless. He could’ve been sent back for any number of the following reasons:

  • To teach Edison the value of hard work so that he could someday take over his father’s business and run it in a less ruthless manner. By simply forcing him to study for his test and pass, then by dragging him to victory in that one game, perhaps he taught him that life is better when you earn your victories. Edison was rich, now he was benevolent, Sam could’ve done this.
  • To get Andre Krimm to come out of retirement to play one last season and get seen by an NFL scout. Krimm showed up with zero playing time in at least a few years and was able to walk into a Division 1 game and contribute. Scouts had to come calling.
  • To help Featherstone become friggin’ Odell Beckham after catching that one damned ball. I mean, the guy went from being basically un-covered by anyone in the secondary to being triple covered by a corner, a safety, and linebacker. Blake’s throw changed his life.
  • To get Dean Elias to quit his evil ways? He seems to have learned some sort of lesson at the end…or is at least now depressed enough to allow a stuffed armadillo cowboy to put a fake bullet in his head. For a man that seems to have some sort of university pedigree, that’s pretty low. Maybe after he’s murdered in effigy (probably not using that right, but it sounds good), he changes his life and gets a job working with inner-city youth. Maybe he teaches them Capoeira, the Brazilian art of dance-fighting? Maybe this is a secret prequel to Only The Strong. I just hope that Dr. Sam Beckett helped him find his Ba Na Na way. The one person that got that joke is laughing really hard right now…the rest of you can go screw.
  • To make Rob Schneider’s character famous? Maybe calling the biggest upset in NCAA Football history gets his name out there and people are impressed with the whole “fumba-ly-a” thing. It’s not that far off from what most people from ESPN did from like 1995 til forever…except for Stuart Scott, that man was a damned national treasure and witticist for the ages. God rest his awesome soul.
  • Settle the age old feud between military close-quarters combat and whatever martial art Samurai Hanson practiced? I don’t think that this is a real feud, but hey, that’s Paul Giamatti’s brother playing Sarge!
  • To get Manu-Manu to finally have his moment of glory and thus win the affections of Lucy the kicker? She smooched him at the end and it was one of the main closing shots of the flick, so that makes it a strong candidate. Plus, it’s right up Dr. Beckett’s alley to bring two star-crossed lovers from different walks of life together. Although, by that logic, his reason for leaping could’ve been to bring Edison and Krimm together.
  • To get Wally Rigendorf his first victory as a head coach and thus start what will surely be a hall of fame career. After all, Ed Genaro said it, he’s been ready for a long time!

I personally like the last one the best because the movie basically gives Robert Loggia’s character the second most plot and character development behind Paul Blake. Plus he goes off to find Blake in the beginning, connecting the two from the start of the story. I imagine in the original timeline, Wally got Paul to play but the team never won a game and Wally not only lost his first and what would be only chance at head coaching, but looked like a fool for bringing in Blake to begin with. His life tanked and he ended up taking that job in England.

Look folks, I don’t know for sure why Dr. Sam Beckett leaped into Paul Blake, Arm of The Armadillos, but seeing as how my life isn’t that bad these days, I’m glad that he changed whatever it is that he changed. So as I do every night after I say my prayers, let me thank Dr. Becket, wherever he may be…whenever he may be, for sacrificing his life for the rest of us. Thank you for beating Texas, thank you for saving Jackie O, and most of all, thank you for Sinbad!

 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #13: Bloodsport (With A Bonus Blog!)

nostalgia movie podcast

On this week’s episode, we talk about the 1988 martial arts classic Bloodsport. This is the movie that started it all for mixed martial arts, Van Damme, and for our very own Craig! The amount of kicks our beloved co-host took to the face in tribute to this flick is astounding! So on this episode we find out how this flick came together, how Van Damme got his start, and how weirdly obsessed the boys are with a movie that features Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds almost getting killed by friggin’ Bolo!  Also this week we try to give you a little more bang for your buck, so scroll down for a little side rant about why we need more Bloodsport in or lives!

Did you scroll? I hope so, because I have a point to make!

So, as I was sitting down to post this show, I was thinking about what else I could possibly want to say in my companion blog. After all, I rambled on like a jag-goon for most of the episode. Then I saw a commercial for the latest thing from the people behind the The Purge franchise and got hit with an important realization: the world needs more Bloodsport. Now I have no problem with The Purge  existing, I’m sure that it’s fine content for its target audience; it’s just that I’m not that audience, and there’s a lot of people like me out there who are tired of everything being so damned dark. Just…so…dark. So nihilistic. So ugly. I get it, the world is a bad place and we need to confront the blah blah blah blah I WANT TO CHEER FOR SOMETHING! I know that the world can suck, my family split up when I was a kid and my father was sick and then dead before my nineteenth birthday. I’ve experienced pain, loss, rejection, being poor, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and most other garbage feelings one can have. I’m not bragging by any means, nor am I trying to get emo street cred; everyone’s pain is theirs and no one’s is greater or less than. I’m just saying that I don’t want to lose faith in humanity every time I put on the damn television. So I want more Bloodsport. Why? Because I’m not too old for cartoons, but most cartoons are too young for me.

In our upcoming episode about The Monster Squad, we get into the idea of making grown-up movies for kids, and how great and timeless they can be. Well we need to also appreciate the flip-side of this: kids movies for adults. Bloodsport is a friggin’ cartoon for adults; where the hero is perfect, the sidekick is loyal, the bad guy is evil, and there’s really no in between. The good guy gets the girl, overcomes the odds to win, and his friend that he’s avenging turns out to be just fine. I like to even think that the bad guy serves some time for the murder he committed and then lives a reformed and happy life doing youth outreach. Maybe his “young boy” (it’s a Japanese pro-wrestling term for a young wrestler in training, put your keyboards down) is his son and they bond, or maybe it’s his damned lover and they open a gym together; I don’t care who they are to each other, so long as everyone is friggin’ happy in the end and Stan Bush plays over the credits. I want to smile at my movies, or at least know that there’s a steady stream of movies out there ready to make me smile!

So yeah, I want there to be more Bloodsport in this world, and don’t tell me that it’s violent and bad for me. I was raised by a retired marine, a speech therapist, the race track, and action movies; I turned out fine. Not only that, but I’m moral as all hell because I don’t want to let fictional Frank Dux or Major McCoy down. Maybe Red Weddings and Conjuring’s and Jigsaws are bad for people on a deeper level, but who cares, it entertains people, let em’ have it. It just doesn’t entertain me, I want to have heroes. I want my sports bloody, my forces delta-ed, my dragons entered or last, and my Vans to be Dammed. The world needs rain, but the world needs football too. End Rant.

Some Links to get you more into the truth behind Bloodsport:

Senzo Tanaka was a real guy?

History Vs. Hollywood: Bloodsport

A great write-up from Uproxx on the controversy behind the movie

 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #12: Made

nostalgia movie podcast

On this week’s episode of the podcast. we go a little less retro and seek a little less nostalgia than usual as we stay in this century with 2001’s Made. One of the most underrated comedies of the first part of the century, the boys saw this bad boy in the theater and have been quoting it ever since. It often gets forgotten because it was the team of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau’s first major collaboration since Swingers. Everyone who fell in love with the duo’s shtick in the famed L.A. dating movie took one look at Made and gave up. However, the boys would argue that Made is not only just as entertaining as its predecessor, but that it’s more quotable and provides just as good of a narrative. Did Swingers have more catch-phrases? Yes. However, Made sees its lines dropped way more in the circles we all run it. We will let you decide, as we dive head first into the mystery of how many Bobby Risiglianos there really are, find out just what happened to that carpet cleaning van, and decide once and for all if we’re tired of Vince Vaughn playing Vince Vaughn in his movies. It’s Made!

The Rant Cast: Time Machine!

nostalgia movie podcast

On this episode of The Rant Cast, the boys talk about the top three movies they’d watch in the theater if they had a time machine. Yes, we understand that using a time machine to watch movies is a waste of resources, but we don’t want to do too much and end up with a world ruled by a Franken-Hitler or something similarly evil (Were-Mummies, Mecha-Stalins, etc). Anyhow, check it out, and don’t be afraid to hit us up and tell us what your Big Three would be!