The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #14: The Monster Squad

monster squad podcast

On this week’s episode of The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig, we rock until we drop when we watch The Monster Squad! Yes folks, we’re kicking off ScOctober (all the good names were taken already, screw you) by talking about our favorite kids movie that was clearly made for adults! We talk about Wolfman’s moon cycle, Gill-Man’s day job, and Dracula’s stench! It’s a joy for all the senses! It’s a movie where kids curse! It’s The Monster Squad!!

So yeah, this a movie in which little kids curse, “Wayne” from The Wonder Years is forced to eat floor candy, and Dracula calls a five-year old girl a bitch. Yup, we re-watched and discussed The Monster Squad for your enjoyment, and obviously had a great time doing it. It’s a dope movie, one that succeeds despite its flaws, is still funny in spite of its less-than-sensitive dialogue, and still feels fresh even after its style has been aped countless times since its release. However, it’s also one that is constantly under threat of being ruined with a remake or an unnecessary sequel. So, as is the custom here at the Un-Titled Blog, I’m going to protect it from a bad sequel by hastily throwing together an idea for my own bad sequel!  Here we go folks, it’s time for The Monster Squad Blew It!

Our story picks up in the present day, as the remaining members of the team come back to their home town for Horace’s funeral. The actor unfortunately passed away in real life, so let’s not bother recasting and instead make him the catalyst that brings the team back together. Sean is a a divorced writer, Patrick is a happily married business-type, Eugene and Pheobe are married to each other and are both career military, and Rudy is a townie bartender with an estranged daughter. Since surprisingly few witnesses survived the original monster attack, the story became an urban legend and the gang never really got a ton of credit for saving the world. In fact, Sean sold the story as his first screenplay and that’s actually contributed to no one believing that it actually happened, with the town becoming a tourist destination for years, consistently being visited by fans of The Monster Squad and its schlocky sequels. The simple setup of a funeral for a friend (not the Superman story-line) gets everyone together for a semi-awkward reunion, as the team actually has remained in close contact via phone and social media, but are all clearly hiding things from each other. Also, “Fat Kid” Horace grew up to be a fitness guru and died making love to a bunch of models during a celebration for his saving a bunch of puppies from a fire…what, he deserves it.

The actual story kicks off when unbeknownst to the team, the preacher at the funeral reads a passage from Van Helsing’s diary (which everyone believed to have been destroyed, but Sean had actually kept to use for inspiration for his screenplays, and which the preacher ends up with through some sort of hi-jinx) that re-opens to gates of Limbo! We’re treated to a scene in which the squad awkwardly listens to the “sermon” with confusion in their eyes, wondering where they’ve heard it before and why the weather is getting so crazy. The gates open to release not only Dracula ( who flies out in bat-form), but a horde of scary minions, the squad’s old pal Frankenstein, and Van Helsing himself! The horde overruns the squad, destroy Van Helsing’s diary, and begin to lay siege to the town; which has lost almost all power (including vehicles) due to some kind of mystical EMP.

Now we’ve got the stage set for what is essentially The Monster Squad and Van Helsing versus a small apocalypse, as the team attempts to find a way to flat out destroy Dracula instead of opening the gates again. It’s actually a smaller story than the original, as Eugene and Pheobe call the invasion into their contacts, only to realize that the government won’t be able to come in and take out the threat for hours. Instead of saving the entire world, the squad is trying to save their hometown and everyone in it (all of their families, including Rudy’s estranged daughter and ex-wife), with Sean being the only one without any children, having his now police commissioner father as his only family other than Pheobe.

With no power, limited resources, a ton of people to protect, and two 200 year-olds on their side, The Monster Squad McGuffin and wise-crack their way to victory. The little details can get filled in later, but I like to imagine that Pheobe gets some big moments as an adult, Rudy gets his groove back,  and  Sean has some strong moments with his dad before pops ultimately sacrifices himself alongside Van Helsing in order to save the day.

Is it perfect? No.

Are there plot holes? For sure.

Do I care? Not at all.

Would I watch it? You’re damned right I would.

After all,  I’m in the god-damned club aren’t I?

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #13: Bloodsport (With A Bonus Blog!)

nostalgia movie podcast

On this week’s episode, we talk about the 1988 martial arts classic Bloodsport. This is the movie that started it all for mixed martial arts, Van Damme, and for our very own Craig! The amount of kicks our beloved co-host took to the face in tribute to this flick is astounding! So on this episode we find out how this flick came together, how Van Damme got his start, and how weirdly obsessed the boys are with a movie that features Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds almost getting killed by friggin’ Bolo!  Also this week we try to give you a little more bang for your buck, so scroll down for a little side rant about why we need more Bloodsport in or lives!

Did you scroll? I hope so, because I have a point to make!

So, as I was sitting down to post this show, I was thinking about what else I could possibly want to say in my companion blog. After all, I rambled on like a jag-goon for most of the episode. Then I saw a commercial for the latest thing from the people behind the The Purge franchise and got hit with an important realization: the world needs more Bloodsport. Now I have no problem with The Purge  existing, I’m sure that it’s fine content for its target audience; it’s just that I’m not that audience, and there’s a lot of people like me out there who are tired of everything being so damned dark. Just…so…dark. So nihilistic. So ugly. I get it, the world is a bad place and we need to confront the blah blah blah blah I WANT TO CHEER FOR SOMETHING! I know that the world can suck, my family split up when I was a kid and my father was sick and then dead before my nineteenth birthday. I’ve experienced pain, loss, rejection, being poor, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and most other garbage feelings one can have. I’m not bragging by any means, nor am I trying to get emo street cred; everyone’s pain is theirs and no one’s is greater or less than. I’m just saying that I don’t want to lose faith in humanity every time I put on the damn television. So I want more Bloodsport. Why? Because I’m not too old for cartoons, but most cartoons are too young for me.

In our upcoming episode about The Monster Squad, we get into the idea of making grown-up movies for kids, and how great and timeless they can be. Well we need to also appreciate the flip-side of this: kids movies for adults. Bloodsport is a friggin’ cartoon for adults; where the hero is perfect, the sidekick is loyal, the bad guy is evil, and there’s really no in between. The good guy gets the girl, overcomes the odds to win, and his friend that he’s avenging turns out to be just fine. I like to even think that the bad guy serves some time for the murder he committed and then lives a reformed and happy life doing youth outreach. Maybe his “young boy” (it’s a Japanese pro-wrestling term for a young wrestler in training, put your keyboards down) is his son and they bond, or maybe it’s his damned lover and they open a gym together; I don’t care who they are to each other, so long as everyone is friggin’ happy in the end and Stan Bush plays over the credits. I want to smile at my movies, or at least know that there’s a steady stream of movies out there ready to make me smile!

So yeah, I want there to be more Bloodsport in this world, and don’t tell me that it’s violent and bad for me. I was raised by a retired marine, a speech therapist, the race track, and action movies; I turned out fine. Not only that, but I’m moral as all hell because I don’t want to let fictional Frank Dux or Major McCoy down. Maybe Red Weddings and Conjuring’s and Jigsaws are bad for people on a deeper level, but who cares, it entertains people, let em’ have it. It just doesn’t entertain me, I want to have heroes. I want my sports bloody, my forces delta-ed, my dragons entered or last, and my Vans to be Dammed. The world needs rain, but the world needs football too. End Rant.

Some Links to get you more into the truth behind Bloodsport:

Senzo Tanaka was a real guy?

History Vs. Hollywood: Bloodsport

A great write-up from Uproxx on the controversy behind the movie

 

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #12: Made

nostalgia movie podcast

On this week’s episode of the podcast. we go a little less retro and seek a little less nostalgia than usual as we stay in this century with 2001’s Made. One of the most underrated comedies of the first part of the century, the boys saw this bad boy in the theater and have been quoting it ever since. It often gets forgotten because it was the team of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau’s first major collaboration since Swingers. Everyone who fell in love with the duo’s shtick in the famed L.A. dating movie took one look at Made and gave up. However, the boys would argue that Made is not only just as entertaining as its predecessor, but that it’s more quotable and provides just as good of a narrative. Did Swingers have more catch-phrases? Yes. However, Made sees its lines dropped way more in the circles we all run it. We will let you decide, as we dive head first into the mystery of how many Bobby Risiglianos there really are, find out just what happened to that carpet cleaning van, and decide once and for all if we’re tired of Vince Vaughn playing Vince Vaughn in his movies. It’s Made!

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #11: Willow!

nostalgia movie podcast willow

You ever wonder what would happen if Batman and The Leprechaun went on an adventure together? What if Opie Taylor directed the whole thing? We’ll find out on this week’s episode when we watch Willow! We swear it’s totally not Lord Of The Rings! It’s Willow!

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #10: Kindergarten Cop

nostalgia movie podcast

On this week’s episode of the Un-Titled movie podcast with Ron & Craig, we watch 1990’s Kindergarten Cop! We’ll discuss how a kid’s movie becomes a damned bloodbath, introduce our new weekly award, and try to figure out where the hell that ferret came from! Also, our usual technical difficulties… and oh yeah: RICHARD FRIGGIN’ TYSON! Find us iTunes and Stitcher and Spotify and Twitter and Facebook and MySpace!!! One of those isn’t real!

The Un-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #8: Independence Day

Is Randy Quaid crazy? What’s Harry Connick Jr.’s call sign? What did Zack Morris grow up to be? And most importantly: What the hell is that smell!?  We find out the answers to these questions, settle the “Earth Vs. Earf” debate, and welcome our first ever guest to the show! Hear all this and more…and encounter some technical difficulties as we discuss 1996’s Independence Day!

Joining us in the studio for this episode, which is totally not Ron’s basement, is our long time friend and brother in movie-love James. We’d be lying if we said that we got the microphone working perfectly, but he still is able to throw down some solid insight and take part in all of our normal idiocy! So strap in, get your victory dance ready, and tell my children I love them very much, because it’s time to fly straight into the primary weapon that is INDEPENDENCE DAY!

P.S. We released this episode on July 4th…I feel like that requires no further explanation.

Chapter 2: Killing Me Smallsly

youre killing me smalls

Ok folks, we made a slight blunder on this week’s episode of the podcast. Some would say we’ve made a huge blunder. Me? I’d have to say that we made a small blunder…a “Smalls” blunder, because in speaking about the amazing movie that is 1993’s The Sandlot, we forgot to mention perhaps the most famous line in the flick. Yeah kids, we got through an entire hour of talking about Benny The Jet, The Beast, and Squints without saying “You’re killing me Smalls!”. I couldn’t believe it myself when I heard it from our review committee, but it’s true. Now I know right now you’re asking, “How could you forget something we all consider nerd gospel you effin’ blasphemers!” and “How the hell do you have a review committee when you’ve only got like 15 listeners?”. Well, in reverse order, the answers are: it’s my wife and dog, and we just forgot…or did we?

Yeah man…we forgot, but maybe we forgot for a reason. Maybe on some subconscious level we didn’t mention it because we find it to be polarizing. By “We” I mean “Me, Craig”, because I know that Ron just forgot because he has a real job and handles all the technical aspects of the show and can’t be expected to always have perfect notes. So yeah, I find that damned quote to be a double-edged word-sword of sorts. When said by someone who I already know and enjoy, I find it to be a cute and inoffensive way to voice frustration. However, when uttered by someone I’ve just met, it makes me want to throw them in hole and cover the hole with leaves in hopes that others will later fall on them and cause them even greater harm; at the same time hoping that said following-fallers have both high BMIs and IBS, to make the situation both more painful and more dysentery-y. Understand? Of course not! I shall explain further.

So let’s say my partner in pod-ing and my brother in life Ron (also known as “Big Ron, The Hammer!”) was trying to teach me how to fix a toilet because I tried to flush a wrapped Big Mac down the poo-hole (we eat healthy in my house, sh*ts contraband!). Imagine that I kept trying to poke the wet-sammy further down the crap-shoot with the wrong end of the plunger, he might utter a playful “You’re killin’ me Smalls! Use the suction end and get that burgy outta there before it’s too wet to eat!”. In this scenario, Ron eats toilet-meats. This is what happens when I’m left in charge of our blog by the way, but I digress.  In this case, his usage was a very nice way to tell me to stop being a moron and learn to use a plunger. I know and love this guy, he had a point to prove without creating tension; no harm, no foul.

Now conversely, let’s say that I’ve just met a gentleman named “Skylar” or a lady who goes by…uhhh…well…yeah, “Skylar”. This person is wearing the shirt of a band that I like that they’ve never heard of, has hair that way too effort-fully effortless, and likes to tell you all about how they can eat donuts all the time because “it fits their macros”. At some point during our first meeting, after they’ve told me all about how into Crossfit they were before they “hurt their back”, they hit their fifth Borat quote or other terrible joke and I don’t laugh. Now they repeat the joke, and instead of telling them they aren’t funny, I act as if I just don’t get it. They express their frustration with me not getting said terrible joke by laughing at themselves again and saying…you guessed it, “You’re killing me Smalls!”. Now what I do in this situation is I politely smile whilst internally weeping at the bastardization of one of my childhood’s most iconic lines, pretend that my dead grandma is calling me, and escape further interaction. What I want to do in this situation? Remember that scene in A Clockwork Orange’ where they pried that dude’s eyes open and made him watch horrible videos of stuff I don’t remember because I don’t like that movie because it makes me sad? Yeah that, but instead of whatever Malcolm McDowell had to watch, it would be a collection of home videos of suburban kids rapping at middle-school talent shows. Then I’d commit something in their home that rhymes with “Birder”. Yes, I’d commit Turd-er; fill in the blanks for yourselves as to what that is. Also yes, birder is bird-murder; but that’s neither here nor there.

Are we seeing the difference here folks? Are we understanding my mixed feelings? Like many things in life, Smalls killing someone is a tool to be used sparingly and by the right person in the right situation.  It’s like the damned Infinity Gauntlet, or laxatives, or that freakin’ rap air-horn; in the wrong hands it’s capable of horrible atrocities. So yeah, I have weird issues with the usage of a movie quote and I’m using that to justify a mistake I made on a goofy podcast, but you’re reading it, so I guess we’re all the ones whom Smalls are killing. Yeah… that’s it.

FREE BONUS IDEAS:

  • A beer koozie that says “You’re Chillin’ Me Smalls”
  • A rap album featuring only rhymes about The Sandlot and/or dedications to Biggie called “You’re illin’ Me Smalls”
  • A meme featuring Michael Jackson and the kids from The Sandlot captioned “You’re Thrillin’ Me Smalls”
  • An apron that says “You’re Grillin’ Me Smalls”
  • A porno that I will let you all figure out the name of.
  • A video of the guy who played Ham getting kicked in the crotch and then saying ” You’re Killin’ Me Balls”

You’re welcome folks. 

The UN-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #6: The Sandlot

sandlot podcast

On this week’s episode we talk about 1993’s The Sandlot. We get into it about how weird Small’s actually is, decide whether the other kids are good people, and figure out once and for all if Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez is the world’s greatest kid. One thing that we don’t mention is “You’re Killing Me Smalls!”, but we have a blog dropping tomorrow that explains how that happened. So, stay tuned to the blog and keep on reviewing us on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever you can get someone to listen to you about the dumb internet shows you listen to!

The UN-Titled Movie Podcast With Ron & Craig #5: Rounders

This week on The UN-Titled Movie Podcast, we shoot the poop about 1998’s Rounders. Starring Matt Damon, Ed Norton, and one of the great ensembles of the late 90s, this is the movie that launched a million college gambling habits. Find out all about Ron’s old internet poker habits, Craig’s hatred of people who wear sunglasses to friendly card games, and decide along with the boys who the biggest piece of crap in the movie is! As always, we can also be found on iTunes (leave some reviews!), Spotify, and everywhere else that podcast are spawned!